Godly Parenting

For Parents, Future Parents, Grandparents,
and Former Children

This information is intended for those who sincerely believe in Jesus Christ and the Divine Inspiration of His Holy Word

Posted Content

1) Introduction

2) Boundaries
3) Preserving Innocence
4) What Do I Do? Example #1 - Headed For The Pool

1) Introduction

It has been said you need a license to drive a car, and a license to get married, but nobody gets a license to have kids. Technically, that is not true. God holds every parent accountable for what they do and don’t do. By far the most comprehensive evaluation we will ever receive is scheduled after the fact. Consider this a sneak preview of what’s on that test.

Generally parents are damaged goods, which means they are handicapped and produce damaged goods. In fact, all humanity is damaged goods, which in turn produces damaged goods. This is why the emphasis of this training is on repairing parents. It involves uprooting, plucking up, and overthrowing so parents can build and plant the next generation. Of course there’s good stuff here about training kids, but it is all mixed together because the issue involve more than the kids. Parents have wounds which make them warped. They also have self-centered narcissisms that make them blind. And they have life-long patterns which distract them while they are trying to fulfill the greatest responsibility God has ever given them – to train up their child in the way they should go. That, my friend, is the ultimate test. So let’s get started.

2) Boundaries

During family outings, some parents neglect their kids. Some do it without realizing it, others are self-absorbed, and others function with a wrong philosophy. Regardless of the reason, the fruits are the always same: unruly kids which are a menace to the rest of us. The strange thing is those families, both their kids and their parents, think this is just great, while we groan. This goes on all the time; such is the nature of deception.

What am I talking about? Parents let their children run loose without a thought as to what they might be doing, or what they might be exposed to, or how they might be bothering anybody else! We’ve all seen it: the brash, cold-hearted kid with no conscience who shows up at the swing set to assault whatever vestige of innocence your kid has left. The kicker is the wild kid is not the only one who is deteriorating; in most cases the kid he is tormenting is as well,  because the parents of the so-called "victim kid" have neglected them too. Where are the victim’s parents when this happens and do they know how their child is responding to the crisis? Are these parents observing everything so they can (1) provide appropriate protection for their child (one of the most solemn duties of a parent) and (2) use the occasion to teach their children how to respond rightly in real world settings outside the home. Most families let their kids learn how to respond to bullies any way their carnal flesh desires. So how is your child responding to various kinds of thing, not only  injustices? You will know how they will react to things because the way they respond in your home is the way they will respond to them in the so-called real world. “Old-school” philosophy says teach the children to fight bullies and nobody will mess with them. That might work in a controlled back yard setting where you are in charge, but nowadays bringing fists to a knife fight (or fists to a “road rage” gun fight) is not very wise. Neither is arming them to the teeth.

Whether you take your child to the local park or to a Saturday morning yard sale, in each and every setting there is a different set of behavioral standards which are appropriate for that setting. Godly behavior does not come naturally. It has to be lovingly and patiently trained. How many times have you seen parents at yard sales engrossed in the deal of a lifetime (where they will save $2) while their child is ripping off a lamp shade on the other side of the yard sale. That is one example of the neglect I am talking about. In some cases parents laugh when they discover the destructive behavior because their child is wearing the shade on their head and is blindly knocking things down. (I realize sometimes you can't help but smile, but don't let your kids see that. It makes them think their behavior is desired). Some parents might even get angry at you if you are not amused by their unruly child. They are angry because they don’t see what you see. You are watching oblivious parents train up naturally rebellious children into destructive behavior that is desired as long as it is humorous (you know, like at a frat party). They, on the other hand, can’t understand why you don’t appreciate how cute their tyke is. The yard sale scenario screams that parents are the ones who need the training, which is why we call this Godly Parenting.

Everywhere your child goes, as their parent you should immediately recognize what the boundaries are so you can explain what they are to your children. In order for your kids to develop into a healthy and constructive member of society (not to mention into a godly member of God's Kingdom) they will need to know that there is such a thing as appropriate behavior for each and every setting in which they find themselves. Every family outing should include at least a moment, or two or three, where you explain what the boundaries are before you turn your hounds loose on the world. Be advised that you may sometimes have to call a huddle during mid-play. Everything you say should also have the teeth of enforcement behind it, the kind of enforcement that your children are familiar with because they have tasted it at home. Setting boundaries for your children is a healthy exercise everywhere they go because it will lay a foundation in their hearts for the rest of their lives.

Even before the fall of humans in the Garden of Eden (when Eden was still a paradise) God provided an explanation about what the boundaries were (what is, and what is not, permitted). He even spelled out what the consequences were before he turned them loose into it. He talked very directly about what they could and could not eat and why. If boundaries were necessary in the perfect place of Eden while humans were perfect, how much more are they crucial everywhere in this fallen world where humans are both fallen and naïve. Routinely and consistently laying out boundaries with the gumption to enforce them will serve like a cast applied to a broken, fallen soul. It will help form them into upright, constructive members of society, not to mention good servants of God. It will also have the added effect of equipping your children with the crucial virtue of searching out whatever the boundaries might be everywhere they go, even when you are not there. They will do it naturally without a thought when they get older. What you do now with boundaries will help train your child to become godly parents themselves. If you constantly teach them to both recognize and honor authorities (those two things are separate steps by the way) in every setting they find themselves, they will respond appropriately whether they are dealing with a police officer or a Sunday School teacher, the mall cop or a store clerk. Your child will develop into a responsible citizen who makes healthy contributions in whatever environment God sends them.

So parents, please remember, everywhere you go there are boundaries, always boundaries. There are appropriate standards of conduct for us and for our kids and many of them are unspoken in our society. Your child needs to know what they are and all their nuances. This is only the starting point because whether they understand them or not, they also have to learn to obey them. But the place to begin is by talking about what the boundaries are to your children. This is one reason why training has to start with the parents before it can manifest in the children.

Lastly, and maybe  most importantly, your training them this way will not only prepare their hearts, it will also "format their souls," so to speak, to respond properly to the Kingdom Training Grounds (see Home Page post by that title) which God has waiting for them when they get older.

3) Preserving Innocence

One of the primary responsibilities of a parent is to provide protection for their children. As previously mentioned, one of the first things our Heavenly Father did when He created the Garden (and us) was to set boundaries for us there, even in that perfect place of Eden. The reason He established them is so that our innocence would be preserved. When infants are entrusted by God they enter this world defenseless and totally dependent. The remarkable compassion parents feel when they hold their little ones the first time is supposed to be an unforgettable experience which creates a deeper resolve in parents to protect their children from anything and everything.

Parents instinctively know there are things which must not be allowed around their newborns because they are too young to handle it. Most of us needed some tweaking of wise counsel in practical ways to protect our infant, such as supporting their heads when we hold them because their little necks are too fragile to support the weight of their head. We also needed to know that it is important to shield their fragile eyes whenever we take them out into the noon day sun. We instinctively know our little ones need to be protected from many things in this world until they are developed enough to handle their new environment.

Although most parents function this way, many lose their protective instinct when it comes to the soul of their child. As it turns out, their little soul needs as much shielding and support as their fragile little eyes and neck, but the soul needs it for a longer period of time. Our children come into this world with an innocence about them which changes over time. Contrary to popular belief, this change is actually a good thing if parents train up their children God’s way. The innocence in their child’s heart is intended to gradually give way to an age of awareness, which in turn develops into the age of accountability. (I explain these stages and two more in greater detail in my future book, The Mystery of Heart Development in this Age). God’s purpose for our children is for their soul to develop during the age of accountability into the more stable stage of maturity, where our children live according to the truths of God’s word in a wise way that both serves God’s purpose and pleases Him.

Tragically, many parents disrupt the initial stage of innocence by bombarding their child with dangerous stimuli before their fragile souls (just like their fragile little eyes and necks) are ready to handle it. When parents do this, they are not allowing the age of innocence to complete its God intended purpose in their children. The ill effects can not only damage, they can warp their child’s soul in hidden ways that affect them in later stages of development.

For example, some parents allow their children to be assaulted by a host of “adult-world” images which are dangerous to their little soul structures that are not equipped to handle the pollution. The movies children are allowed to see should not be evaluated based on what seems harmless to adults, but must be evaluated based on the standards of the fragile innocence in their child. Allowing kids to see Star Wars movies because parents got a kick out of when they were younger is a HUGE mistake. The intensity, the dramatic depiction of evil, and the myriad of adult themes in those kinds of movies create groves in a child’s soul that can spawn fear, wounds, helplessness, depression, brooding, rejection, rebellion, resentment, not mention of host of other “tracks” (that sometimes develop into deeper strongholds) long before a child has been equipped to fight, much less defeat, such massive foes. God told Cain that sin is crouching at the door and that its desire is to master him (Genesis 4:7). Some parents not only open that door, they usher in a multitude of horsemen to ravage the defenseless souls of their little ones.

When God freed the Israelites from Egypt, He purposely took them by another way (Exodus 13:17) because they had not yet been trained for war. Has your child who is watching those movies been trained for warfare? Do they know God and His ways well enough to discern the subtleties, or are seeds being sown into them which you will later wonder where they came from? God protected the spiritually young Israelites from these things when they were not yet mature enough and had not been trained to handle them. He was literally a pillar of fire for His people, standing between them and the entire Egyptian army. He even miraculously ushered them onto the far shore of the Red Sea so they would be safely separated from their enemies who could not reach them there. This does not mean that we “over protect” our children in unhealthy ways. It simply means that God expects parents to provide the proper kind of protection for their little ones who are depending on them for it. The kids may want to see those things (especially if they have seen a few already), but the parent who knows better has to stand between them and their enemies. In spite of this, parents feed their kids horror-like movies (at least to their little minds) with every special effect Hollywood wants to release on their kids.

Yes, a time will come when your child will have to encounter the kinds of enemies that lurk in this world (just like the Israelites eventually did), and when that day comes they will have to overcome them by the grace that God gives them for that hour. Until then, however, our responsibility as parents is to preserve the innocence of our children as long as God intends, all the while carefully building, and lovingly sowing, and firmly correcting everything that is necessary right now in their much smaller world. That protected world is supposed to be a careful training ground to equip them to meet the gruesome one that crouches at the door to destroy them in the future. It is a world God is sending them into to master, and they will need the benefit of every stage of their development, including the stage of innocence, if they are to be “the best that they can be.”

In the young world of a child (as they see it, not as we see it) they have to know that godly justice exists, not political correctness. They have to know that they are lovingly protected, and that they are not being thrown to the wolves. They have to understand that they are unconditionally accepted and truly belong to a godly family that employs firm correction in compassionate love. Our children must not be allowed to feel the sense of illegitimacy the Bible says arises in hearts who are not sufficiently disciplined by their parents (Hebrews 12:7-8). The world says disciplining your children is harmful to them. God says the opposite; that those who discipline their children are the ones who really love them. These parents are doing it so the disgusting slime of illegitimacy does not wash over their child’s soul and make them feel estranged, not to mention a host of other reasons. The world says disciplining your children damages them and drives them into unwanted behavior. Yes, tyrannical, ungodly discipline delivered in uncontrolled anger can do that (but does not always do so). God, on the other hand, says firm loving discipline by godly parents produces a sense of belonging and a healthy sense of worth in your child’s heart. Who do you believe and who will you obey?

I understand that in our increasingly toxic world it is becoming more difficult to maintain a stance of godly parenting, but for the sake of your children who depend on you, and in obedience to the Lord who called you, preserve your child’s innocence by providing them with loving boundaries which are appropriate for them, then lovingly discipline them when they stray. So much is at stake, both for them and for you.

4) What Do I Do? Example #1 – Headed For The Pool

You and your family are visiting a relative for your nephew’s birthday party. At some point during the party, your 3 year old son gets distracted and starts wandering off toward the swimming pool area that is some distance away. The little one has no idea how dangerous the pool is; he’s just innocently curious. He hasn’t gotten there yet, but he’s headed that way. Standing among the small crowd of your relatives, you observe this. What should you?

1 – Grab him by the arm, yank him into your face and scold him.

2 – Quickly run over and scoop him up in your arms, love him, and make light of the situation while you return to the festivities carrying your son.

3 – Take a step away from the festivities (so you don’t disrupt the proceedings) and kindly call out to your son, commanding that he return to you.

The answer is number 3. But let’s take a look at each answer to learn some things about godly parenting from this scenario.

Number 1 is the knee jerk reaction of our flesh to these situations and indicates that we are angry and reactionary in our training. Every parent has done this at some point depending on the factors that sometimes play into these situations, such as how frustrated we are with our son’s behavior earlier in the day, or the outside stresses that might already have us poised to snap at somebody, etc. The aim of godly parenting is to learn how to set aside the countless issues that try to mold us into wrong responses and attitudes, so we can provide the best godly training for our children.

Some of you might have chosen Number 2 (before you read Number 3, or if it had been the only other option), but this response is a common snare in child training, especially among well meaning parents. It is the most deceptive solution on the list. Why is number 2 wrong? Because you are using an incorrect method of training (which I will discuss in a minute) and you are not taking advantage of a great opportunity to see how well your child’s obedience has progressed. The best way to gauge how far your child’s ability to obey has developed is to see what he does when he’s faced with the choice between something he really wants to do, or obeying your command, even if he does not fully understand it. God's aim is for us to train up our child in the way he should go so that he does not depart from it when he is old. Aren’t you and I faced with countless situations in which we have to choose between what we want, and what God says we should do? We set patterns early in life about how we will respond to these kinds of tests in godliness. After we accept Jesus many of us spend too much time trying to undo the patterns we established growing up. The training of our children should be aimed at the long term goal of releasing our child into the world with godly character in a way that allows them to face nearly every situation with the tools and proven habits they gained through practice in everyday situations to make the proper choices to glorify God.

If we scoop up our child on his way to the pool without giving him a chance to obey us, we are performing for him what he must learn to do himself! (Ignoring that one principle alone has shipwrecked many well meaning parents, and damaged many children). If we employ answer number 2, and if on our way back to the festivities we make our child giggle so he forgets about what he wanted to do, we look like a great parent doing it, but we are employing a commonly destructive technique known as “distraction” or “diversion” training. Instead of dealing squarely with the wrong behavior, and teaching our children the proper responses to instruction, we are distracting them while we perform for them what they should learn to do themselves, which is to obey immediately the instruction of a parent, whether they understand the reason for the instruction or not. The “distraction” method is used by many of us because it is the easiest way to handle these kinds of situations. In this situation we do not want to create a “scene” in front of friends and relatives. Thus answer number 2 is great for the parents but destructive to the kids. That means when we do it, we are sacrificing the well being of our children to look good to others. (This is one of the narcissistic problems of parents that I was talking about in the 1) Introduction above). When we use distractions, we are actually manipulating our child, while at the same time we are not teaching them to obey. And strangely, we are teaching them to manipulate also. Let me explain how.

Using diversionary tactics is like putting a cast or a sling on a child’s arm. If the muscles in that arm are not used, they will atrophy and the child will not be able to use the arm. I see children all over America being trained with diversionary tactics. A mother grabs a stuffed animal off a store shelf and gives it to her brat so he will stop crying. What they have just taught that child is that bratty behavior will be rewarded. He will get great gifts if he acts like a jerk. Rest assured that parent will see that behavior over and over and each time the behavior will get worse. Bribes do not work in godly parenting because even if the child stops the unwanted behavior at the time, they are still learning how to manipulate situations to get what they want, or maybe get a surprising and delightful alternative. We think our kids aren’t aware enough to catch on to that, but punishments and rewards are incredibly effective. The kids may not understand all the terms we use, or the long term effects of our shabby parenting, but they pick up in a hurry what kind of behavior makes their parents jump through hoops. Even dogs learn it.

But what if our child has gotten dangerously close to the pool? Then you need to launch a rescue mission and scoop up your child before he starts sucking pool scum. But don’t confuse a justified rescue with diversionary parenting. One saves the life of your child in imminent danger, while the other is deceptively damaging to your little one while making you look like a deceptively good parent in front of your friends. Trust me, saints, the cat is out of the bag. Everyone who has discernment already knows that diversionary child training is destructive because they `saw through’ it long before these child training vitamins were ever posted.

Answer number 3 is the only way to handle the situation. But what about the “scene” in front of our relatives who already think we are too strict on our kids? No scenario happens in a vacuum and this scenario is no exception. If you have been applying the principles of godly parenting privately in your home, this is a terrific “test” in real life to see how much your child has learned. They might get an “A” or they might get an “F,” but either way you will learn what your child needs to work on at home. Our homes are the training grounds for child training, while everywhere else is the testing ground in real life. Our children are not always going to be enrolled in our private classes. One day they will be headed out alone into a dangerous world of deceptions, enticements, and downright confusing situations. Our aim must be to take every opportunity to train them in safer and less consequential environments where minor stakes can be committed without devastating consequences, before we release them into the speeding highways of wickedness and deceit. To do that, however, we need to see how they do in real world situations with others around, and we need to find out the answer in safer environments that, relatively speaking, are more controlled by us than they will be in the future.

Our children must learn to obey; not to be melodramatic, but their little lives depend on it. So while we are protecting them from what they innocently do not understand, we are finding out how much they are growing, and how far they have progressed, or if they are growing in obedience at all. At the very least, this scenario will tell us whether we need to step up the training, the punishment, and the rewards at home.

Number 3 is the only godly parenting response in this list because it gives our child the chance to exercise his self-control muscle. When he hears our command, he has to make a choice. He will either pretend like he didn’t hear us and proceed toward whatever he wants to do that might kill him (just like he will do when he gets older), or he has to begin establishing the godly pattern of obedience in his life that will preserve his life in those dangerous times to come. In essence, it will equip him for the time when he will become an adult where he will be listening to the voice of God’s Word during the only lifetime God has given him to demonstrate Who he wants to serve.

So what if our child refuses to obey us and continues toward the pool? That, my friends, is the subject of another vitamin. So stay tuned . . .